Tuesday, January 31, 2017

PETA: You done messed up (Humor/Open Letter)

I am sure everyone has seen that PETA has asked GW to remove furs from their line. It is everywhere. And I am here to tell PETA, on behalf of Mr. Rountree*, Games Workshop**, thousands of hobbyists around the globe*** and our spiritual liege, Matt Ward****...


*Okay, unofficially on behalf of him
**Them too
***I guess all of you as well
****May a flayed one wear yours and Cato Sicarius' skin

For those who live under a rock (I guess with a cuddly furry creature), here is the letter from PETA to GW

Now lets first break this down. First of all, you forgot to include a thought for the day and a whole line of "++++++++++++++++++++++" across the top of your letter. You are trying to talk warhammer after all. Secondly, that is WARMASTER Rountree to you. Or "Celestant-Prime" Rountree if you are into that whole Age of Sigmar thing, and I don't even think you guys are THAT bad.

Next you ask our glorious keeper of the plastic crack to remove "fur" from Warhammer characters at the next opportunity. Now there are several issues with that, and they all imply you didn't know the HELL what you were talking about (some of this will actually be serious talking points guys. Look Out!)
1- What about all the lizard skins? Do only mammals count? Do you not hate Snake Skin boots and Crocodile handbags? If you still do, which I am pretty sure you do, may I kindly point you in the direction of the: Salamanders, Dark Eldar, Dark Elves, etc. etc. Plenty of lizardy death as well.
2- What about HUMAN SKIN!!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE LITERALLY WEARING PEOPLE (Fashion by Soylent Green).
3- At the next opportunity... HA. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Do you know how long Ragnar Blackmane has been waiting for a resculpt. Like over 10 years! The next oppotunity for some of these characters to be redone isn't within this decade. You clearly do not understand the process of model design and release which is backed up by...
4- Are you going to pay for new molds PETA? Some of these things are high quality injection molded plastics. Like to change the design of a kit is tens of thousands of dollars, and on top of that, they are losing their current investment in their current mold since that is supposed to last X years by you asking them to terminate it prematurely. For them to do this across the entire range would probably have a net cost in the millions of dollars given the number of furs and animal skins on models.

Next from "Leman Russ and Horus Lupercal to Chaos Warriors and Sisters of Silence"- try grouping like games. Mixing examples up is debating rookie mistake #1. Go watch a few middle schoolers on your local debate team for some pointers.

Next you are saying it doesn't add up that they wear pelts... because it is not a symbol of their Martial Prowess. First of all, it isn't just that, it is bad ass imagery to go along with an obvious namesake examples. Imagine WHFB High Elf White Lions without... you know, LIONS, or Space Wolves without... well wolf pelts. Though it makes me wonder, why don't Carcharodons have awesome shark cloaks! Don't worry PETA, they'd be Space Sharks, and no one wants those. Watch Sharknado or the trailer for Sky Sharks... you will agree.

But that second point... what? These things are all typically from Death Worlds. Click that to get some learning in you. But to general sum it up, there are planets where the effing flowers will kill you. I imagine an animal pelt from a beast that kills the likes of a Space Marine WITH CONTEMPTUOUS EASE is actually an act of martial prowess... why don't you ask this guy his thoughts on it.
I don't even want to think of a Calabite Lion or a Nocture Drake (animals slain by the likes of Leman Russ and Horus Lupercal... animals that literally required a demi-god with magic powers to kill)

You could also just visit Catachan. I hear it is nice NEVER.
Next you say nothing in warhammer matches the cruelty of the Fur Trade (both commercial and trapping) and while yes, this is fiction (which begs WHY did you bother again?) and what you are talking about is reality, if you ARE going to criticize fiction YOU HAD BEST UNDERSTAND IT

This is literally the WORST of all possible worlds. Like your average citizen WOULD RATHER BE STUCK IN SAID BONE CRUSHING STEEL JAW TRAPS AND SKINNED ALIVE... Furthermore, those are actually distinct possibilities in the lore itself. FLAYED ONES YAY!
Seriously, crack open the start of any of our 40k books and you find this!

It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of mankind by the will of the gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisibly with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is the Carrion Lord of the Imperium for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, so that he may never truly die.

Yet even in his deathless state, the Emperor continues his eternal vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the daemon-infested miasma of the warp, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the Astronomican, the psychic manifestation of the Emperor's will. Vast armies give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his soldiers are the Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Imperial Guard and countless planetary defence forces, the ever vigilant Inquisition and the tech-priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from aliens, heretics, mutants - and worse.

To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.

"It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable." "Only and eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of the thirsting gods." "Carrion lord...for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed EVERY DAY".

But yeah, nothing "could" match what those animals go through.
Finally, in response to your letter directly, to suggest that the year 40,000 it would be just as unacceptable to wear fur as in 2017...
1- SO I guess Fantasy gets a pass.
2- You clearly once more, do not understand the regressive nature of Warhammer 40k. Like, at all. Ill refer you back to the text above from a novel for an idea of that. Seriously, it takes them like 2,000 years to approve a new design of a Tank, AND THEY FREAKING LOVE TANKS! You think they care about societal issues AT ALL?

But now, with all that out of the way, I want to discuss how you REALLY REALLY MESSED UP. You clearly did not understand the subject matter your were dealing with as evidenced above. But you most certainly did not understand the fan-base you were messing with.

First of all, willful ignorance and irreverence are built into the game and fluff. And A LOT of us identify with that. Like 99.99% of us. There is a reason the genre is called "Grim Dark". This is literally a setting where entire worlds are destroyed at the whim of a single individual based on their prejudices. Seriously take your moral issues elsewhere.

Secondly, you are looking at the fan base that continually LAUGHS OFF SEXISM, RACISM AND FASCISM. Just laughs it away. Three WAY more serious issues and actual problems in society. Don't get me wrong. We hobbyists ARE NOT those things. There may be individuals, as in any group (and even amongst your supporters)  who are, but for the most part we are not. I will physically punch someone who derides a fellow enthusiast based on gender, religion, race, etc. etc. We are all in it for the love of the hobby, and no one deserves to be alienated from it for such stupid reasons. What I am saying, is that when we get called those things, we LAUGH IT AWAY. You think your "Fur is Murder" issue in the current political climate even stand a chance against us? No. I made a meme today on facebook about this. In 12 hours I had 40,000 views. And not a single negative facebook reaction or comment. ZERO.
You underestimated us. And if anything, you alienated middle to upper class individuals with a lot of free time and high levels of disposable income. I guarantee you someone who plays Warhammer bought an ACTUAL fur or leather jacket today because of this. I know a few thousand of us ate burgers, for sure. And NONE of us donated to PETA. Not. A. Single. One.

Why? Because it is asinine to attack a silly little game set in a dystopian world because a fake person, made of plastic, is wearing the representation of "fur". Don't ruin our passion, especially without any competent knowledge of it. Because we are all fanatical zealots for something. And when one group is fanatically zealous about fanatical zealots, it is probably best to leave them alone.

3 burgers were consumed in the writing of this article. I made sure to go buy them wearing a leather jacket, shoes and belt.